"The Association of Bleaching Celebrities of Nigeria wishes to use this medium to inform the public that the inexcusable attitude of some of its members to their fans has been brought to its attention".
"It has also been said that some members of this esteemed organisation have embarrassingly refused to shake hands with their fans and in some of these cases, the aggrieved fans are said to have been little kids. On behalf of all celebrity bleachers, we the ABNC kindly ask for your forgiveness".
You loved us when we were black and we sincerely ask you not to
love us any less even now that we are light skinned. We also want you
guys to understand that we celebrities bleach our skin so that we can
lighten up your screens so you will never have to increase the
brightness and contrast of your TV anymore. You can ask our Nigerian
movie producers why they prefer us light skinned actors. That being
said, we also want to sound a note of warning to all celebrity
bleachers. According to section 19 of our annually reviewed
constitution, no bleacher operating within our ranks has any right
whatsoever to disrespect his or her fans. Such unruly attitude should
stop henceforth. Anyone culpable of this dastardly act will be severely
dealt with according to what is stated in our constitution. We want to
also use this medium to pass this vital information to the rest of the
public and it will be in the interest of everyone to read the following
very carefully.
The ABNC is the umbrella body of all celebrity bleachers and we are
responsible for every bleaching celebrity you see on TV and on the
streets. We will also like you to understand that no celebrity bleacher
will intentionally snub or refuse to shake hands with his or her fans. A
lot of these incidents have occurred as a result of stigmatisation of
bleachers by the public. Nigerian celebrity bleachers especially have
been unfairly criticised by the public for having black knuckles, white
body and black yansh. Therefore, the unwillingness of celebrity
bleachers to shake hands in public should be regarded as a silent
protest over the bizarre treatment accorded bleachers in this country.
They are humans and they deserve the rights to decide their skin or vein
colours. Be it black, blue, red or rainbow, it is their choice and the
public must accept and respect it. After all, if you are a very
observant fan, you would have noticed that all light-skinned male
celebrities always wear suits or long sleeve shirts and walk with their
hands in their pockets. Walking with your hands in your pockets is
prescribed by this distinguished organisation to all bleachers. In cases
of bleaching gone wry, please note that celebrity bleachers don’t do
all these because they want to be seen as fashionably sensitive or too
cool to care. They do it to avoid that embarrassing moment when you
discover that your pretty face celebrity has the hands of a local tye
and dye merchant.
We hope that henceforth, whenever you see a light skinned celebrity
with pocketed hands, you will save yourself the embarrassment and
kindly let him be. A celebrity bleacher with bad bleaching experience is
like a dog with rabies and no sane person messes with a rabies-infected
dog. We implore you non-bleachers to be more sensitive to the plights
of bleachers. To you male fans who love greeting women with a kiss on
their cheeks, please be advised to keep your damn kisses to yourself
whenever you see those light-skinned celebs who love tying scarves
around their necks. It is not fair to expose someone’s multi-coloured
neckline to the whole world because you want to prove that you can greet
like an arab. And if you are a church usher who is fond of telling
people to raise their hands up during worship, better stay the hell away
from any light-skinned celebrity you see in church. Allow them to
worship with their hands glued to their sides. We swear, you don’t want
to see that armpit. Our sincere appreciation also goes to all men out
there dating a celebrity bleacher, we commend your patience. You have
stood by them knowing you can’t take them to the pool because of their
black yansh. And when they forced you to take them against your will to
the pool, you still had to endure the fact that they got into the
swimming pool fully dressed in their leggings, T-shirts and stockings.
May you be rewarded handsomely for your stoicism and perseverance. One
quick advice though, inasmuch as you may love your bleached spouse and
want to treat her to different types of adventure, it is paramount that
you resist every pressure to take her to the beach.
Please listen to us very carefully; you have to protect her from
bleachers allergies. They react to sea water like an ogbanje reacts to
deliverance. And if you don’t want to be staring at your bleached spouse
rolling and crying in agony on the beach sand, don’t let the sea water
come in contact with her skin.
Nigerians, please stop judging us by the colour of our skin. We
will never be ashamed to admit to the public that all light-skinned
celebrities are bleachers because this same bleaching has made us the
most preferred in Nollywood today. It has made our ladies more desirable
and more noticeable by Nigerian men. It has also helped some of our
colleagues who were straight up ugly become attractive. That is why our
motto is, Show me a light-skinned celebrity who doesn’t bleach and I
will show you a local dog that doesn’t eat shit.
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